cold and bitter tofurkey

Dear Class of 2011,
It has come to my attention recently that I cannot sit where I would like to be seated because your butt takes up the space where my butt should be. I'd like to draw a quote from the holy book: "The Front Hall is the major public space in the Upper School. It is the reception area for visitors to the school, and houses the telephone switchboard. It is surrounded by administrative offices and it is a place of business. It is also a gathering place for students in grades 11 and 12." Class of 2011, just because students in grade 11 are allowed in the Front Hall does not mean you are. Please find a more suitable place to sit.

Also, for those of you about to attend Prom, this is not your Prom. 

Also, why is it that I can look at a lineup of the males in your grade and pick out only a few reasonably good looking ones? Was there some kind of toxin released in the air in mid-to-late 1992 that changed your genes? No other class has had such a large problem with issues like this one. Fix it. 

Lastly, if you resemble any kind of vegetable, string beans for example, note that you are lower down on the food chain than everyone else. It's not just in your appearance, but in your nature too.

Sincerely,
Mean and Cold Tofurkey